I know many of you who read my blog have followed my recovery process. A lot of you have seen my pictures mostly with a smile on my face, but I really want to be transparent and share with you some of my emotional struggles, too. This past Sunday was a difficult day for me. I was feeling sorry for myself and feeling overwhelmed about my current situation. Knowing that the result could have been worst.
Every time someone came up to me at church, they commented about how I have handled this situation so well, always have a smile on my face and have such a strong heart for the Lord. These comments were sweet and kind, but because of the way I felt, they made me feel like a phony and a fake. I didn't want to smile. I was in pain was not having a good day. I could feel that I was being spiritually attacked. I felt frustrated and felt like asking God questions like, "Why can't I be better by now?... How come my knee didn't heal correctly and I need yet another surgery?... Couldn't it have just been 13 bones?... Not have sutures spitting out, causing extra pain and getting infected?... Knee not bending all the way?...And then there"s my hand... why can't my right hand be better by now?"
Then, I remember that all of these questions are meaningless. They kept saying in the hospital that this was a marathon, not a sprint. At the time, I didn't understand. But now, everyday, more than once, I have to remind myself that this isn't really the race I'm running in.
2 Timothy 4:7
I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.
My race won't be over the day I can walk or do my hair by myself. My race is over when the Lord calls me home. But, did I keep the faith? See, on Sunday my faith was in myself to get me to the end of the sprint. My faith should have been in Jesus to get me to the end of this marathon. I'm thankful for the people in mine and my family's lives that remind me of this daily. Time doesn't heal all wounds, Jesus does.
I am so sorry for the pain and frustration of all of this, but I praise God that you lived and that your parents gave you the foundation of faith to see you through. I'm going on 65, and I cannot tell you how many times a week - all of my life - I have said, "Nothing in life is simple." It may not be scriptural but it surely does help me get through frustrating times. And I haven't ever had the physical trauma that you are now coping with! I love your smile (even if it is fake sometimes) because it brings smiles to other people who may be hiding their own frustrations. So the next time you think you're faking it and therefore being dishonest, honestly you aren't smiling about your own joys. You're smiling for the love of God! May He bless you and keep you safe and strong each day (and sometimes each minute!)
ReplyDeleteThank you for your honesty and transparency Loressa. It just gives us more ways to pray for you and keep you lifted up before the Lord. We are all human and have had similar emotions and frustrations and it IS HARD to put on the happy face. The depth of your love for our Lord truly shines through your testimony here. You make people smile for so many different reasons when you put that smile on your face in spite of how you are feeling. Keep up the good work. Praying you continually grow stronger every day, your physical therapy helps you to get those muscles moving again, and to keep you growing spiritually through your journey. We love you. Just keep in mind your own words....Time doesn't heal all wounds, Jesus does.
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