It Is Worth It

A month from now on October 20th, I will be having a major surgery on my knee. 

In my last surgery the specialist found a screw right in my joint. The doctor thinks it will be best for the life of my knee to get at least 3 of the 13 screws in my knee out as soon as possible. The doctor will have to take my knee cap off in order to do this. My leg will be straight for 6 weeks and non-weight baring :( 

There is a big chance I will end up needing a scope surgery a few months after in order to get the knee to bend again. Then after that, a major 3 part wrist surgery on my right wrist. 

Please please please be praying for my physical healing, emotions, and spirits. 

I was pretty bummed to find out I needed this. I am thankful that I am able to have it (If insurance will cover it... Please pray for that too) and know that this could make it so that I don't have to get a knee replacement as soon as the doctors thought. 

Also, I am mentally ready to work and drive but I am physically unable... 

Going through all of this the first year was expected. This year was unexpected.

Please pray that I can still see why the Lord wants me to go through all of this and point others to Him through seeing His good work in me. I'm so thankful for all of you prayer warriors! It's been so encouraging to read a year later all of your prayers when this was a shock and all so new. Thank you for that constant encouragement. Any time you think of me or see a post, I would just ask that you would pray for me. People tell me all the time that they are "thinking of me" I think it's sweet, but would rather you pray anytime you think of me. Don't let it stop there. I remember being at Parkland and knowing that when this accident happened, if it brought people to the throne of grace and talking to the one and only God of the universe, it was worth it. It is worth it. So I am asking you, talk to our Lord about anything and everything and when you think of me, please lift me up. 

Thank you.

Celebrate Life

This is the speech I gave at my Celebrate Life Party.
 I wanted to also give a big "THANK YOU" to everyone that wasn't at the party, but has been here for me through my church and social media to pray, encourage, and uplift my spirits. So, thank you to each one of you that shared my story, wrote a comment of prayer, ask how I am doing, fed my family for 3 months, gave money selflessly to my GoFundMe account, and has spent time in prayer for the many different needs that I have. I really can't thank all of you enough.

"Hello everyone.
I feel unworthy and blessed to have so many selfless loving friends and family here today.
You all mean the world to me. Literally. Without each of your love and support, I wouldn't be here or where I am today in my recovery.

So thank you:
To the firemen that got me out of the car that day as swiftly as possible and all intact and for coming to visit me in the hospital to show me and share with me about how much of a miracle I really am. You told me of how my heart could have exploded that day on impact and I could have bled out and that it truly is a miracle that I made it.


Thank you to Dr, Chicoine and your family:
 For working on my back and shoulder after the accident and for seeing my family for nothing in return because you genuinely wanted to help them after spending long days at the hospital.

Thank you to my wonderful doctor:
Without you, I wouldn't be put back together so perfectly. You showed me what it's like to have a doctor that goes to many lengths to make sure I am the very best physically that I can be. I look forward to every appointment I have with you, knowing ahead of time that I will be waiting in the waiting room at Parkland for hours to see you. Yet, I still look forward to it. I have never met a doctor that is willing to spend an hour and, sometimes more, just talking with me and my family, honestly interested in how I am really doing. You are the best in my book.
Thank you!

Thank you to my Physical and Ocupational Therapists:
You three change lives daily. You took me from a girl that couldn't walk to who I am standing before you. You knew when to push me to make me better even if it meant me sobbing uncontrollably from the pain. This is how you show me you want the best for me. You remind me this isn't a sprint, it's a marathon. I wouldn't want to be with anyone else for 2 hours everyday, but yall.
Thank you for never giving up on me, even when I try to give up on myself. You don't let me do it.
So thank you.

Thank you
to my friends and friends of my family. You all have done so much for me and for my family. The countless hours you spent up at the hospital,  the many meals yall brought to feed this huge family, all the time y'all spent singing to me to make me feel better or put me to sleep has been a constant show of  support in this crazy year. Whether it's to help my mom with something throughout the week or whether you met our needs by praying for my family, it was all so important and I couldn't ask for a better church family.

Thank you Beisert Family:
 For opening up your lovely home for this event. I know yall have spent a lot of time preparing for this and I am so, so grateful. Also, thank you, Maria, for taking me to therapy a lot when it was hard for my family and others to get me there.

Last but not least...Family.
I can't begin to say all of the things I want to thank y'all for.
Y'all never left my side. You sang to me in the hospital and stood up for me when things where hard. Y'all were there for every new thing to encourage me..from sitting to standing on one leg, then to using my hands to feed myself, then being able to put makeup on, then to standing, and now walking.
My mom, Bethany and Mackenna bathed me for 7 months. My dad has had to handle my bills and insurance relentlessly daily. My mom never stops serving me. You are the most loving and selfless woman I know.
I can never repay each of you for what you did and continue to do.  Y'all are my constant encouragement. Even when I don't want to move forward, y'all encourage me everyday to be more self sufficient. Your love never ends. No matter how selfish or self centered I get, you each make me the best I can be in this hard time.
I really am forever thankful for each of you.

To my Savior-the one who really allowed me to live that day:
 I am most of all thankful to a good God, who, no matter what, works all things together for the good of those that love Him. Although it would have been great on August 14, 2014 if I would have gone to be with Jesus, I am thankful He chose to give me life and to be here with each of you. I know that He is not finished with me yet and wants me to shine a light to the darkness through all of this. The goal of this valley is to look more like Christ after this, so that others can see His character in me and the love that He gives to all who come to know Him as Lord of their lives. He is a good, good Father. I am thankful to Him that He has allowed me to be here with each of you today and to be able to tell you of the work that He has done in me.

Thank you all for your love and support. I am so grateful to be in the company of such amazing people."

Year 2 is going to be pretty difficult but I know that I can make it with all of you on my side, and with Jesus my Savior who has been where I have been and knows that I am going to make it through.

Thank you all so much! 

My Bones Will Sing, Great Are You Lord

"All the earth will shout 

Your praise 
Our hearts will cry
These bones will sing
Great are You, Lord."

-"Great Are You Lord" by All Sons & Daughters

I can't sing a song about bones and not think of the ones that I broke in the accident. I can still feel the pain caused from those broken bones everyday. Most are almost healed fully, but the muscle loss will take some MORE time to gain back. Please pray for patience for my heart. This process is so much harder than I could have ever imagined. The pain physically is crazy hurtful, but mentally, there is just so much I have to fight off with the Lords strength, Word, and truth.

I use to be the Christian that said, "I want Jesus to come back today," but secretly wanted to live a full life here on earth, meet someone special, get married, have a family of my own, and live happily ever after, with Jesus coming back right before I were to die.

But today, and every day since the accident, how I wish that He would come. I'm in tears as I write these words because His arms are all I long for and His perfect presence. I can't  believe the patience He must have in not coming today to a world that has forgotten His sacrifice and power over death. I lack the patience to not get angry at how slowly my recovery is going and the pain I endure every day. Yet, I should be thankful for a Savior that has allowed me to be sanctified through this gift. The struggle is real everyday for me to be thankful for this. I'm thankful He chose me and not someone else to endure this form of sanctification through suffering. I just hope I can suffer well.

Jesus is all I want. My bones sing, great are You Lord. My flesh would rather be angry, frustrated, and bitter about the pain, but my soul knows it is for my good. All because I know someone that has endured more than I can imagine. He is great. He is Lord. He forgives me. And He is coming again.

How thankful we should be that He is coming to get us. I mean, think about it...He could have anything because He created everything, yet, He wants us. If that doesn't make you love Him more, I don't know what will. 

Thankful To Be Alive

It is a Happy Thanksgiving! For all of us and for myself, there is much to be thankful for. Among many things,  I am thankful to be alive.

On August 14th, I was in a terrible car accident. A 17 year old male passed out from dehydration, crossed over into my lane, and hit me head on. As you can see from this picture, I was crushed, but by the grace of God, found alive.

The firemen that came to rescue me said, they thought I was going to be dead. With seeing my head of hair hanging outside of what was left of the window. A man came up, said hi, I said hi back, then said, "get my hair out of my mouth!"
My long thick hair had a lot of glass in it and was over my face, leaving my face without a scratch from all of the glass that broke in the vehicle. God Is good. I may never cut my hair again.

I broke both femurs in my legs , shattered my right knee into 20 pieces. I broke my radius and ulna in both forearms, broke my right humerus, and my scapula in my shoulder, multiple fractures in my feet and hand, an open tibia laceration, 2 broken ribs, a collapsed lung, small fractures in my spine, and had to receive a total of 14 units of blood.  After many surgeries in the first 2 weeks. I now have 6 titanium plates, 1 titanium rod, and over 60 titanium screws holding my broken bones together.
I spent 3 weeks at Parkland Hospital. I only have memory of a few things that happened there because of all of the trauma.
The first thing would be the Saturday after my accident, when the boy who hit me and his family came up to the hospital to visit me. I remember him crying, apologizing. Then I said "I forgive you. That's what Jesus would do."
The next thing I remember is reciting Psalm 23 any time I was in the worst pain.
After those 3 weeks at parkland, I then spent 3 weeks at Baylor Rehab. Now it's been 8 weeks at home filled with home health, physical therapy, and occupational therapy.

I wish I could say these things are easy, but that just isn't the case.
Workouts everyday are taxing. My body is working constantly on healing itself, therefore it is tired all the time. The pain at some points has been more than I thought could exist. I can't describe the pain felt at parkland hospital, but at Baylor Rehab I had pains in my leg for weeks that felt like someone was digging a whole in my leg with razor blades. It was at points like this that the Word of the Lord was my only answer, through people reading scripture to me, and singing songs of the Lord as well.

Now the struggle is still painful, but a lot of that pain is emotional. Feeling as though I have lost a year of my life, not being able to teach right out of college like others my age, meet someone special, live on my own, put my clothes and shoes on by myself, go to the bathroom on my own. Make my right arm straight. To Walk. Oh to walk.

In my life, the story of Joseph has always been one I am drawn to. What man meant for destruction, God meant for Joseph's good and our Fathers good. That Joseph would trust Him, and Gods name would be made known through his life being used by Him.

"Psalm 23:4  Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me."

"Romans 8:28 and we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose."
...For MY GOOD in ALL circumstances. Including this one.

God has sustained me through being reminded of Joseph's story, and through the rest of His Living and perfect Word in the Bible. Through the people of this church and the Bride of Christ in other places, sending cards, gifts, and Facebook messages, all with words of encouragement that God is with me.
But most of all, The Lord sustains me when I think about what Jesus did on the cross. Thinking about His body broken for me, His blood poured out for me, and the pain that He was in. All because He loved us and so that one day we might come to know Him.

"Philippians 1:21 For me to live is Christ, and to die is gain." 

My small suffering of pain and dying to myself daily for the sake of Jesus name to be made known through me, this is my greatest gain, and knowing Jesus more than I did before this accident.

Please be in prayer for me, that I would suffer the physical and emotional pain well. Use this time wisely and for His glory. Continually humble myself in asking for help, and to do so with kindness, that the healing process would continue well, and that I would continue to be humbled by what Jesus did on the cross, and all of us would make The name of Jesus known to all that we know because of our thankfulness that He chose to save us for His glory.

When Reality Sets In

I know many of you who read my blog have followed my recovery process. A lot of you have seen my pictures mostly with a smile on my face, but I really want to be transparent and share with you some of my emotional struggles, too. This past Sunday was a difficult day for me. I was feeling sorry for myself and feeling overwhelmed about my current situation. Knowing that the result could have been worst. 

Every time someone came up to me at church, they commented about how I have handled this situation so well, always have a smile on my face and have such a strong heart for the Lord. These comments were sweet and kind, but because of the way I felt, they made me feel like a phony and a fake. I didn't want to smile. I was in pain was not having a good day. I could feel that I was being spiritually attacked. I felt frustrated and felt like asking God questions like, "Why can't I be better by now?... How come my knee didn't heal correctly and I need yet another surgery?... Couldn't it have just been 13 bones?... Not have sutures spitting out, causing extra pain and getting infected?... Knee not bending all the way?...And then there"s my hand... why can't my right hand be better by now?"

Then, I remember that all of these questions are meaningless. They kept saying in the hospital that this was a marathon, not a sprint. At the time, I didn't understand. But now, everyday, more than once, I have to remind myself that this isn't really the race I'm running in. 

2 Timothy 4:7
I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.

My race won't be over the day I can walk or do my hair by myself. My race is over when the Lord calls me home. But, did I keep the faith? See, on Sunday my faith was in myself to get me to the end of the sprint. My faith should have been in Jesus to get me to the end of this marathon. I'm thankful for the people in mine and my family's lives that remind me of this daily. Time doesn't heal all wounds, Jesus does.

No More Pain and The Greatest Gain

No More Pain and The Greatest Gain 

Every day, for the past 80 days I have had to get a blood thinner shot in my stomach. Now, I know what you're thinking, "you broke 13 bones in a head on collision, why should you care about a measly shot?!" Well, I care because it hurts... Every day, when it comes time for the shot, I have to have one person in my family hold my hand and another tell me a story.  I need my hands to be held so that I don't press or rub the spot that hurts because just touching it makes it bruise. The storytelling is to keep me still and to keep my mind off of the added pain. 

So with that being said, one day while I was at Baylor Rehab Hospital, instead of asking my family for the story, I asked my nurse to tell me a story while my mom gave me the shot. Her story went something like this... "I grew up in Africa. I was very blessed because I didn't have as far of a walk to school as the other kids did, and I wasn't left on the streets like many other children were. In Africa, there are many children wandering the streets at night and you can walk past in the morning and see the ones that have died. I am saving up to go back and build an orphanage so that these children have a home. Most people come here to America and forget where they've come from. I don't ever want to forget." Needless to say, I was blown away! I didn't feel the pain of the shot anymore. 

This story helped me to see that my goal should be the same as hers. I don't ever want to forget where I've come from and where Jesus has carried me from the beginning of my accident until today. 

One night at Baylor, I was in a lot of pain. I had my sister, Mackenna, show me some videos she had recorded of me from when I was in the SICU at Parkland. This was really hard to watch at first, to the point that I had to stop watching and take a break before deciding to watch anymore. To see myself in so much pain, drinking water from a sponge, getting food from a tube, and crying about the pain, while reciting Psalm 23 over and over with loud sobs in between was very difficult. 

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil because I know He is with me, He is. But, it’s not that to die wouldn’t be a gain, because I would get to be with Jesus. But, the fact of my survival would be a gain because it would tell what Jesus can do. It’s however you want to see it” 

These two events, my nurse telling me her story and my sister showing me the videos, taught me to always remember what Jesus has done for me. God has carried me through some crazy life events, yet He is never going to leave me. He has brought me through the mountains and the valleys. My trust should not waver despite the valley that I'm walking through. He has been there all along. He has been good, and will always be good, no matter the circumstances.  

So… What reminds you of God’s faithfulness? Try to remember to look back and see the ways God has always been there for you. Marvel at His greatness. Know that where you have been and where you are is not where you are going. If you are a believer, you have a hope. This hope is that one day you will be with the risen Son of God, Jesus, with no more pain, and the greatest gain…Eternity with our Savior.

Count It ALL Joy

James 1:2-4. "2 Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, 3 for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. 4 And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."

Before my car accident, I thought I knew what these words meant. I thought of this verse in regard to my homework in college, finding a job, and preparing for a job. I needed to count these trials as joy. The words that I actually didn't fully understand in this verse was "various kinds". I had no idea as to the wide range of trials I might one day have to count as joy. 

There was one night while I was at the hospital that I was sobbing from the pain. The pain felt as though someone was digging into my leg with a razor blade and it felt, at the time, that it was never going to stop. The only thing that could ever calm me down when I was feeling overwhelmed with the pain was the reading of scripture. The students at our church knew this and had made a box of their favorite scriptures for me to read in the hospital. The last verse my brother, Hunter, read from the students was this verse in James. So, as my brother read these words of the Lord, I cried more and more and couldn't stop. 

I then asked Hunter to read to me off of my John Piper devotional app. John Piper puts a different devotion up every day and this day was about joy. The verse of the day was, “So also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you.”John 16:22. 

“No one will take your joy from you because your joy comes from being with Jesus, and the resurrection of Jesus means that you will never die; you will never be cut off from him."-John Piper.

After Hunter read this, I cried to him and said, "It's so hard to not let the devil take my joy!" I had never been through such suffering. I wanted so badly to count ALL my various trials as joy so...I looked to the cross.

Through this suffering, God gave me the ability to see that if I end this trial without looking more like Christ at the end of it, then what was the point. I should have died the day of the accident instead of surviving if I was not going to take this opportunity to give the glory to The Lord. 

So let it be known that my God, the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob saved me from death on August 14th. He continually draws me near to Him through this trial. He gives me joy through my current suffering. My hope is in the Lord. The Holy Spirit reminds me continually of the sacrifice God's son, Jesus, gave through the cross that he carried, the blood that he shed, and the pain that he endured for me.

Now, it is time that I carry my cross. As I look to the one that saved me, I know...I KNOW that he will see me through this suffering and produce in me steadfastness causing me to look more like Christ.

I may not always be able to do this, but my prayer for myself and for you, is that through various trials, we would both know that the end goal is not only to get through it, but to resemble our savior, Christ.